Cyclical. I like that word.

The first week of school is over.
Well. I guess it wasn't truly a week of school...just three days. But my 'School To Do' list is a week long.
I turned 22 on Thursday...oh, I suppose that was yesterday! I was telling my brother, Aaron, that 22 is kindof a 'meh' year. 20 is cool because it's 2 decades. 21 is cool because you can drink legally...which is sort of a milestone, I suppose. But 22 is just...22. In defiance of its mediocrity, I shall note that this is only the second time in my life that I have been a double number. 11 was the first time, of course...but I hardly remember being 11.

Today I found out that two of my old friends have 'unfriended' me. That's a sobering and depressing moment...when you type in someone's name only to find that their page is not 'available to the public'. Discovering one's status as 'public' and not 'friend' is...well, I sat quietly for a moment and then I cried.

Life is truly a cyclical experience. I remember when, in my first years of high school, I was extremely introverted and shy. I read books most of the time and felt very uncomfortable in public situations. In my later high school years I made a dramatic 180 and became the socializing queen of the homeschool band scene. I had many friends, I spent time talking on the phone (WHAT?) and felt almost completely secure in a social setting. I did have moments of anxiety, but those moments were usually when I was hosting an event and felt responsible for the happiness of those around me.

College was the slow death of my social life. I maintained a decent friend circle when I was a freshman. As a sophomore, my circle shrunk to a handful of close friends. In my junior year, my handful of school friends graduated or left... and now I am feeling quite alone. Not to say that I'm a social outcast at school. I certainly have a handful of friends whom I genuinely like talking to. But somehow I've managed to drive away, alienate or lose nearly all of the friends I had before...to all manner of situations. They weren't all awkward situations...just college life, I suppose.
I admit, I feel lonely.

BUT.

I do have Andrew. I couldn't feel more accepted or safe with him. I know he loves me. I thought this morning that if I could spend a day with ANYONE on earth, I would chose him. And I know he would say the same.
And my family is a treasure. My siblings are becoming true friends of mine, which is an amazing process to observe. I find that moving out improves the general feeling of love amongst all family members. :) My mom is my closest "girl" friend, :) and that's priceless to me.
And then there's River. I wouldn't leave this haven of love and security if you paid me millions. Honestly, I know I belong at River. The older I get the more I appreciate my church family.

So...perhaps this lonliness I feel at school isn't all for nothing. Maybe God is teaching me to look to my true friends...those people who have been here all along, who are honest and faithful and loving even when I fail them. My husband, my family and my church.
I'm sure that someday God will supply a "bosom friend" with whom I can be completely at ease. But until then, I will be happy with where I am. I will appreciate the connections I have.

And I'll work on my social anxieties and insecurities...
"God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and a sound mind".

Of I go to write journals...of the academic sort. :)