This weekend I am going to Cedar Point with the VT Family!

By "VT Family" I mean:

Mike - Dad-in-law
Brenda - Mom-in-law

Josh - Bro-in-law

Brooke - Sister-in-law
Alyssa and Kirsten - Nieces

Tim - Bro-in-law

Meghan - Bro-in-law's gf

Nick - Bro-in-law
Jenna - Bro-in-law's gf

Kristen - Sis-in-law

Kyle -Sis-in-law's should-be-fiance

So yeah. Andrew's extremely excited to be riding all of the amazing rollercoasters. And I am too, I suppose...it's just that I haven't had a weekend for two weeks now and I dearly love my weekends. The quietness, the still moments, the second cup of coffee, the snuggling on the couch...

"You always need margin", my mom says. The blank spaces between things. I love margin.

I should not complain, though. Life is good. I spend too much time complaining, actually...I'm tired, I'm lonely, I don't like doing homework, I don't have enough time to go grocery shopping...

I'm actually sick of hearing my brain complain. I'm working on training myself to be thankful.

For my working legs. For dry and warm clothing. For my husband. For the opportunity to be educated. For the money to go grocery shopping!

I will train this brain to be happy! "We're gonna traaaiiin you.

Speaking of thankfulness, I found another thing for which to be thankful...concerning my husband. Not that there aren't a gazillion things to be thankful about concerning him.... :D
Here it is:

In general, "things" pop into my mind constantly. Funny pictures, ambitious ideas, strange commentaries, eye-opening realizations...and when I'm with Andrew I am completely free to open my mouth and spew said "things". He might respond with a laugh or a nod or a word of advice...or maybe nothing at all. But he listens. And he doesn't think I'm stupid or unimportant. He HEARS me.

You might laugh, but I really want to be heard. You'd be amazed at the many times when people just DON'T hear me! My friend Bethany says that I have one of those voices that just blend into the background. Bethany loves me so I don't feel insulted by this...just informed. It helps me realize that some people might just honestly not hear me. And it helps prepare me for those terrible moments when I start speaking and then someone else talks right over me. Oy vey.

But anyway...I appreciate Andrew because he truly listens to me and values what I say to him. That's...wow. It's just so cool to have someone like that in your life. My mom is like that too.

People probably think I'm odd because I always bring up my mom at school. I realized that this year. "My mom always says that...", or "My mom used to...", or "My mom thinks that..."

I think that's a compliment to her...it means that I value her opinion and that her actions have made a lasting impression on me.

See? I'm not that messed up. Let this be an encouragement to all first-born PKs...there is hope. Just MOVE OUT. And you will be better friends with your family. :P

(Kidding!...sortof.)

Word of the last-couple-weeks:
Snarky.

I really really really love that word. Snarky.

That's all. I'm going to play puzzle games online until Andrew gets home.

Cyclical. I like that word.

The first week of school is over.
Well. I guess it wasn't truly a week of school...just three days. But my 'School To Do' list is a week long.
I turned 22 on Thursday...oh, I suppose that was yesterday! I was telling my brother, Aaron, that 22 is kindof a 'meh' year. 20 is cool because it's 2 decades. 21 is cool because you can drink legally...which is sort of a milestone, I suppose. But 22 is just...22. In defiance of its mediocrity, I shall note that this is only the second time in my life that I have been a double number. 11 was the first time, of course...but I hardly remember being 11.

Today I found out that two of my old friends have 'unfriended' me. That's a sobering and depressing moment...when you type in someone's name only to find that their page is not 'available to the public'. Discovering one's status as 'public' and not 'friend' is...well, I sat quietly for a moment and then I cried.

Life is truly a cyclical experience. I remember when, in my first years of high school, I was extremely introverted and shy. I read books most of the time and felt very uncomfortable in public situations. In my later high school years I made a dramatic 180 and became the socializing queen of the homeschool band scene. I had many friends, I spent time talking on the phone (WHAT?) and felt almost completely secure in a social setting. I did have moments of anxiety, but those moments were usually when I was hosting an event and felt responsible for the happiness of those around me.

College was the slow death of my social life. I maintained a decent friend circle when I was a freshman. As a sophomore, my circle shrunk to a handful of close friends. In my junior year, my handful of school friends graduated or left... and now I am feeling quite alone. Not to say that I'm a social outcast at school. I certainly have a handful of friends whom I genuinely like talking to. But somehow I've managed to drive away, alienate or lose nearly all of the friends I had before...to all manner of situations. They weren't all awkward situations...just college life, I suppose.
I admit, I feel lonely.

BUT.

I do have Andrew. I couldn't feel more accepted or safe with him. I know he loves me. I thought this morning that if I could spend a day with ANYONE on earth, I would chose him. And I know he would say the same.
And my family is a treasure. My siblings are becoming true friends of mine, which is an amazing process to observe. I find that moving out improves the general feeling of love amongst all family members. :) My mom is my closest "girl" friend, :) and that's priceless to me.
And then there's River. I wouldn't leave this haven of love and security if you paid me millions. Honestly, I know I belong at River. The older I get the more I appreciate my church family.

So...perhaps this lonliness I feel at school isn't all for nothing. Maybe God is teaching me to look to my true friends...those people who have been here all along, who are honest and faithful and loving even when I fail them. My husband, my family and my church.
I'm sure that someday God will supply a "bosom friend" with whom I can be completely at ease. But until then, I will be happy with where I am. I will appreciate the connections I have.

And I'll work on my social anxieties and insecurities...
"God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and a sound mind".

Of I go to write journals...of the academic sort. :)

Oh, you know...

Last post, I contemplated a use for my crazy quilt squares. Well, here ya go! My 'scrap bag'.
I'm not posing...I'm just naturally that cool.
:P


Tomorrow if the first day of school.
I can't say I'm particularly happy about it. I have one year left, and really, just one sememster of real classes. So I should be happy and excited, right? Well, I'm not.
I'm tired of school before I even start this year. I got a call from a learning center that I applied at this summer and they wanted to interview me for a full time position there... and I wanted so badly just to GO and start life. But I know I need to finish what I started. That's usually a good policy, right?


My school is a frustration to me.
When I first went there I was full of inspiration. I had been taking lessons from Mr. Good, which was an...amazing experience. I was ready to learn, ready to grow...I was getting on the CU train, headed to success.
But I feel as though somehow I've spent the past three years waiting for the train to actually take off.

The music department at CU has been at a trickling decline for some years now. In the time I've been at CU, we've switched department chairs twice. Mr. Hollinger, the band director, left my freshman year. We've been through 3 office secretaries: Anna, Amy and Susan...and now Susan's leaving too. Mr. Burghart was let go in my sophomore year. In the second semester of my sophomore year, my close friend Bethany switched schools. Andrew left to work full time. This year, Proffesor Weston and Professor Wakeman were let go. Dr. Bohn moved to different state, Mr. Peck retired and Mr. Britsch left to work at GVSU.
The CU music department that I thought was, is not. It's an crumbling foundation. It's a sinking ship.

A dilemma I face this year is whether or not I'll be in the CU brass quintet. I've been in it for the past three years and yet I'm very tired of it now. "My group" has moved on...Kelly and Kyle and Aaron have graduated and Andrew's working full time. I miss our quintet. It was, hands down, the best experience I had at CU. This year, I feel like I'm doing it out of obligation. I've asked the band director if there would be any other trumpet players willing to audition in my place...but I'm not sure if we have any other trumpet players this year. Last year there were two of us. One of us graduated.
But the other thing...the brass quintet is supposed to be a CU promoting group. We go to bring in new students and promote the school. But can I honestly tell the students that CU is a good place to go? If I saw myself in highschool, would I encourage myself to go there? I can't say...it's sad, but I can't say.

Perhaps as the year moves on, I'll feel more optimistic. My school does have many good attributes, outside of our department. I've learned MANY things from teachers in the Education department, particulary Professors Burgess and McAdams. I'll hold on to those things and press onward to a truly exciting future. It's true: I can't wait to be a teacher.

I've been very honest in this weblog...expressing things I haven't said publicly before. I guess I feel pretty safe considering the fact that I rarely get any readers. :)


Anyway, that's all for now. G'night!
~Bri